


South Park: Heathers

by BooksRBetterThanPeople



Category: Heathers (1988), South Park
Genre: AU, Based on Heathers, Bisexual Stan Marsh, Butters is innocent, Clyde is not fat, F/F, F/M, Heathers AU, Heathers the musical, He’s just big-boned, M/M, Song: Beautiful (Heathers), Song: I Am Damaged (Heathers), Song: Lifeboat (Heathers), Song: Meant to Be Yours (Heathers), Song: Never Shut Up Again (Heathers), Song: Our Love is God (Heathers), Song: Seventeen (Reprise) (Heathers), Song: Shine a Light (Heathers), Song: The Me Inside of Me (Heathers), Song: Yo Girl (Heathers), They killed Kenny!, You bastards!, creek - Freeform, kyle is a jerk, south park - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-24 17:48:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22121941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BooksRBetterThanPeople/pseuds/BooksRBetterThanPeople
Summary: Stan becomes popular, dates a murderer, drinks slushees, kills his frenemies, stops the school from getting destroyed, and kills the love of his life... In that order
Relationships: Stan Marsh/Kenny McCormick, Tweek Tweak/Craig Tucker
Comments: 3
Kudos: 32





	1. Chapter 1

~Cast~

Stan Marsh: Veronica Sawyer  
Eric Cartman: Heather Chandler  
Kyle Broflovski: Heather Duke  
Butters Stotch: Heather McNamara  
Kenny McCormick: Jason “JD” Dean  
Craig Tucker: Ram Sweeney  
Tweek Tweak: Kurt Kelly  
Clyde Donavan: Martha Dunstock  
Strong Woman: Ms. Fleming


	2. Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stan just wants his senior year to go off perfectly. Is that too much to ask?

(The school bell rings. Stan Marsh is in the hallway, along with some other students)

Stan: September 1st, 1989. Dear Diary: I believe I’m a good person. You know, I think that there’s good in everyone. But, uh, here we are. First day of senior year! And, uh, I look around at these kids that I’ve known all my life and I ask myself, “What happened?”

Students: Freak!  
Slut! Burnout!  
Bug eyes!  
Poser!  
Lard ass!

Stan: We were so tiny, happy, and shiny,  
Playing tag and getting chased.

Students: Freak!  
Slut!  
Loser!  
Short bus!

Stan: Singing and clapping,  
Laughing and napping,  
Baking cookies, eating paste.

Students: Bull dyke!  
Stuck up!  
Hunchback!

Stan: Then we got bigger.  
That was the trigger,  
Like the Huns invading Rome.

(Stan bumps into a student as he walks)

Boy 1: Hey!

Stan: Oh! Sorry.  
Welcome to my school-  
This ain’t no high school,  
This is the ThunderDome.  
Hold your breath and count the days,  
We’re graduating soon.

Students: White trash!

Stan: College will be paradise,  
If I’m not dead by June!

(The students stop in place as Stan sings)

Stan: But I know, I know,  
Life can be beautiful.  
I pray, I pray,  
For a better way.  
If we changed back then,  
We could change again.  
We could be beautiful…

(The students start moving again. A boy slams into one of his peers, knocking him to the ground)

Boy 2: Ow!

Stan: …Just not today. (He goes to help him) Hey, are you okay?

Boy 2: Get away, nerd!

Stan: Oh- Sorry.

Students: Freak!  
Slut!  
Cripple!  
Homo!  
Homo!  
Homo!

(Stan makes his way to the cafeteria)

Stan: Things will get better,  
As soon as my letter,  
Comes from Harvard, Duke, or Brown.  
Away from this coma,  
Take my diploma,  
Then I can blow this town.  
Dream of ivy-covered walls,  
And smoky French cafés.  
(A girl shoves him)

Girl: Watch it!

Stan: Fight the urge to strike a match,  
And set this dump ablaze!

(Craig Tucker smacks the lunch tray from Stan’s hands and it falls onto the floor)

Craig: Oops…

Stan: Craig Tucker. Third year as Linebacker, and eighth year of smacking lunch trays and being a huge dick!

Craig: What did you say to me, asshole?

Stan: Gah! Nothing!  
But,

All: I know, I know,

Stan: Life can be-

All: Beautiful.

Stan: I pray, I pray,  
For a better way.  
We were kind before,  
We can be kind once more.  
We can be beautiful.

Students: Beautiful!

(Clyde comes up behind Stan and taps him on the shoulder. Stan screams, startled)

Stan: Hey, Clyde!

Clyde: Hey.

Stan: Clyde Donavan, my best friend since diapers. He’s got a huge heart, but around here that’s not enough.  
(Clyde picks up Stan’s tray for him)  
Thanks, man.

Clyde: We still on for movie night?

Stan: Yeah! You’re on Jiffy Pop detail.

Clyde: I rented “The Princess Bride”.

Stan: Haha, again? Wait, don’t you have it memorized by now?

Clyde: What can I say? I’m just a sucker for a happy ending.

Tweek: Clyde Dumptruck! Wide load!

(Tweek Tweak smacks the tray from Clyde’s hands)

Tweek: Ha! Haha!

Stan: Tweek Tweak, quarterback. He is the smartest guy on the football team.  
(He gapes there for a moment in mock surprise)  
Which is kind of like being the tallest gnome.

Tweek: Haha! Alright!

Stan: Hey! Pick that up! Right now!

Tweek: I’m sorry, are you actually talking to me?

Craig: My buddy Tweek just asked you a question!  
(Tweek looks back at him and they nod to each other)

Stan: Yes, I am. I want to know what gives you the right to pick on my friend! You’re a high school has-been waiting to happen, a future gas station attendant.

Tweek: … You have a zit right there.

(Tweek points at Stan’s face and pushes him before walking away. All the students laugh)

Stan: Dear Diary, Why?

Heidi: Why do they hate me?

Clyde: Why don’t I fight back?

Tweek: Why do I act like such a creep?

Stan: Why?

Bebe: Why won’t he date me?

Craig: Why did I hit him?

Students: Why do I cry myself to sleep?

Stan: Why?

Students: Somebody hug me.  
Somebody fix me.  
Somebody save me.  
Send me a sign, God  
Get me some cold beer.  
Something to live for…

(The ones everyone has been waiting for had arrived. The most popular trio in the whole school, known for their looks, wealth, and ability to ruin people’s social lives)

Students: Oh-oh, Butters… Kyle… And Cartman…

Stan: And then there’s Butters, Kyle, and Cartman. They float above it all.

Students: I love Butters, Kyle, and Cartman.  
I hate Butters, Kyle, and Cartman.

Stan: Butters Stotch, dance team captain. His dad is loaded, he sells engagement rings.

Students: I want Butters, Kyle, and Cartman.

Stan: Kyle Broflovski. President of the Speech Club. No discernable personality, but his mom did pay for cheekbone implants.

Students: I need Butters, Kyle, and Cartman.

Stan: And Eric Cartman, the almighty. He is a mythic dick...  
They’re solid Teflon, never bothered, never harassed. I would give anything to be like that.

Heidi: I’d like to be their girlfriend.

Students: That would be beautiful.

Jimmy: If I sah-st at th-their table, chi-chicks would notice me!

Students: So beautiful.

Clyde: I’d like them to be nicer.

Students: That would be beautiful.

Henrietta: I’d like to kidnap one of them, and photograph them naked in an abandoned warehouse and leave them tied up for the rats.

(The school bell rings. Butters, and Cartman are in the bathroom, waiting on Kyle who is puking his guts out)

Cartman: Grow up, Kahl! Bulimia is so ’87!

Butters: Maybe you should see a doctor, Kyle.

Kyle: Yeah, Butters, maybe I should.

(Vice Principal Strong Woman enters)

Strong Woman: Ah, Cartman and Butters…  
(Kyle throws up again)  
…and Kyle. Perhaps you didn’t hear the bell over all the vomiting. You’re late for class.

Cartman: Kyle wasn’t feeling well, Ms. Woman. We’re helping him.

Strong Woman: Not without a hall pass you’re not. Week’s detention.

(Stan enters the bathroom)

Stan: Um, actually, Ms. Woman, all four of us are out on a hall pass for yearbook committee. (He hands her a note)

Strong Woman: I see you’re all listed. Hurry up. Get where you’re going.

(Cartman takes the hall pass from Stan’s hands. Kyle and Butters crowd around and they examine it for a moment)

Cartman: This is an excellent forgery. Who are you?

Stan: Uh, Stan. Marsh. I, um- I crave a boon.

Cartman: What boon?

Stan: Um... Let me sit at your table at lunch, just once. No talking necessary. If people think that you guys tolerate me, then they’ll leave me alone.  
(They laugh)  
Before you answer, I also do report cards, permission slips, and absence notes.

Kyle: How about prescriptions?

Cartman: Shut up, Kyle!

Kyle: Shut up, fatass!

Cartman: For a greasy little nobody, you do have pretty good bone structure.

Butters: And a symmetrical face! If I took a meat cleaver down the center of your skull, I’d have matching halves. That’s very important.

Kyle: Of course, you could stand to lose a few pounds. Like some people. (He glares at Cartman)

Cartman: And, you know, you know, you know,  
This could be beautiful.  
Hair gel, maybe some new clothes,  
And we’re on our way.  
Get this boy some blush,  
And, Kyle, I need your brush.  
Let’s make him beautiful.

Kyle: Let’s make him beautiful.

Butters: Let’s make him beautiful.

Cartman/Kyle/Butters: Make him beautiful!

Cartman: Okay?

Stan: Okay!

(The next day at school, it’s all the same)

Tweek: Out of my way, geek!

Clyde: I don’t want trouble.

Craig: You’re gonna die at 3 PM!

Bebe: Don’t you dare touch me!

Red: Get away, pervert!

Clyde: What did I ever do to them?

Students: Who could survive this?  
I can’t escape this!  
I think I’m dying!

Token: Who’s that with Cartman?!

Students: Woah.  
Butters... Kyle... Cartman…

(Butters walks down the hallway)

Wendy/Red/Heidi: …And someone!

Students: Butters... Kyle... Cartman…

(Kyle walks down the hallway)

Craig/Tweek: …And a babe!

(Cartman walks down the hallway)

Students: Butters... Kyle... Cartman…

Clyde: …Stan?

Students: Stan, Stan, Stan!

(Stan walks down the hallway in his new outfit and newly found confidence)

Stan: And you know, you know, you know,  
Life can be-

All: Beautiful!

Stan: You hope, you dream, you pray,  
And you get your way!  
Ask me how it feels,  
Lookin’ like hell on wheels.  
My God, it’s beautiful.

Students: Beautiful.

Stan: I might be beautiful.

Students: Beautiful.

Stan: And when you’re beautiful…  
It’s a beautiful freakin’ day!

Students: Butters, Kyle, Cartman, Stan!  
Butters, Kyle, Cartman, Stan!  
Stan!  
Stan!  
Stan!  
Stan!


	3. Candy Store

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stan does something horrible to Clyde, and proves he’s really a part of the gang

Stan: Dear Diary: It’s been 3 weeks since I became friends with the Terrible Three...  
Actually, friends isn’t the right word. It’s more like they’re people I work with. And our job is being popular and shit.

(The school bell rings, and Clyde walks up to Stan)

Clyde: Hey, Stan.

Stan. Hey!

Clyde: You really do look nice these days.

Stan: Oh, thanks. But it’s still the same me underneath.

Clyde: Are you sure?

Stan: Oh, look I’m- I’m really sorry that I flaked on you last week. I’ve just- I’ve had a lot going on.

Clyde: I get that. You’re with them now. That’s exciting.

Stan: It’s whatever, but we’ll hang out soon, I promise.

Kyle: Stan! Cartman says to haul ass to the lunch table, pronto!

Stan: ... How very.

(Stan leaves Clyde and walks over to their table)

Cartman: Stan. I need a forgery in Craig Tucker’s handwriting. You’ll need something to write on. Kyle, bend over.

Kyle: Ugh!

(Kyle bends over and Stan places the notepad on his back, beginning to write what Cartman says)

Cartman: Hello, beautiful. I’ve been watching you and thinking about us in the old days. I hope you can come to my homecoming party this weekend. Miss you, Craig. Oh, put an “xo” after the signature.

Stan: What’s this for anyway?

Cartman: I just found out that Craig used to hang with Clyde Dumptruck.

Stan: Well, yeah, in kindergarten. We all did.

Cartman: We all didn’t kiss on the kickball field.

Kyle: Oh, that’s right, I remember. Craig kissed Craig Dumptruck... It was disgusting.

Cartman: Hey! There’s nothing wrong with two dudes wanting to make love!

Kyle: I know that! I just meant Clyde is gross, fatass.

Cartman: Oh. That is acceptable.

(Craig and Tweek walk into the cafeteria and check them out)

Craig: I’m telling you dude, it would be sooo hot to be in the middle of a Kyle-Broflovski-Stan-Marsh-sandwich.

Tweek: Hell, yeah! Punch it in.

(Tweek and Craig fist-bump)

Cartman: Craig!

(Craig and Tweek walk over to him)

Cartman: Be a good boy and give this note to Clyde Dumptruck for me. (He hands the note to Craig)

Stan: What? No!

Craig: Since when do you talk to that lard ass? (He starts unfolding it)

Cartman: Oh, don’t read it!

(Stan takes the note away)

Cartman: What are you doing?

Stan: Please don’t do this, okay? Not to Clyde.

Kyle: What? It’ll give him shower-nozzle masturbation material for weeks!

Cartman: Shut up, Kahl!

Kyle: Shut up, fatass!

Stan: Clyde had a thing for Craig for like 12 years now, okay? This- this would kill him!

Cartman: Are we gonna have a problem?  
You got a bone to pick?  
You’ve come so far,  
Why now are you pulling on my dick?  
I’d normally slap your face off,  
And everyone here could watch.  
But I’m feeling nice.  
Here’s some advice.  
Listen up, biotch!

Kyle/Butters: I like-

Cartman: Lookin’ hot,  
Buying stuff they cannot.

Kyle/Butters: I like-

Cartman: Drinkin’ hard,  
Maxin’ Mom’s credit card!

Kyle/Butters: I like-

Cartman: Skippin’ gym,  
Scaring her,  
Screwing him.

Kyle/Butters: I like-

Cartman: Killer clothes,

Cartman/Kyle/Butters: Kickin’ nerds in the nose!

Cartman: If you lack the balls,  
You can go play dolls,  
Let your mommy fix you a snack.

Kyle/Butters: Woah!

Cartman: Or you could come smoke,  
Pound some rum and coke,  
In my Porsha with the softball team!

Cartman/Kyle/Butters: Woah! Woah! Woah!  
Honey, whatchu waitin’ for?  
Welcome to my candy store.  
It’s time for you to prove,  
You’re not a loser anymore.  
Then step into my candy store.

Kyle/Butters: Girls fall-

Kyle: At your feet.  
Pay the check,

Butters: Help you cheat.

Cartman/Kyle/Butters: All you-

Kyle: Have to do,

Cartman: Say goodbye to Shamoo.

Cartman/Kyle/Butters: That freak’s-

Butters: Not your friend,  
I can tell in the end.

Cartman/Kyle/Butters: If he-

Butters: Had your shot,

Cartman/Kyle/Butters: He would leave you to rot!

Butters: ‘Course if you don’t care,  
Fine! Go brush his hair.  
Maybe Sesame Street is on.

Cartman/Kyle/Butters: Woah!

Butters: Or forget the creep,

Kyle: And get in my jeep.

Cartman: Let’s go tear up someone’s lawn!

(Kyle hands the note to Clyde)

Cartman/Kyle/Butters: Woah! Woah! Woah!  
Honey, whatchu waitin’ for?  
Welcome to my candy store.  
You just gotta prove,  
You’re not a pussy anymore.  
Then step into my candy store!

Cartman: You can join the team-

Kyle/Butters: Or you can bitch and moan.

Cartman: You can live the dream-

Kyle/Butters: Or you can die alone!

Cartman: You can fly with eagles,

Kyle/Butters: Or if you prefer,

Cartman: Keep on testing me-

Cartman/Kyle/Butters: And end up like him!

(Clyde walks over to Stan)

Clyde: Stan, look! Craig invited me to his homecoming party. See, I told you there was still something there! This proves he’s been thinking about me!

Stan: …Color me stoked.

Clyde: I’m so happy!

Cartman/Kyle/Butters: Woah!

Kyle: Honey, whachu waiting fo-

(Kyle takes the spotlight until Cartman shoves him to the floor)

Cartman: Shut up, Kyle!  
Step into my candy store!

Kyle/Butters: Time for you to prove you’re not a lame ass anymore.  
Then step into my candy store!

Cartman/Kyle/Butters: It’s my candy store,  
It’s my candy.  
It’s my candy store,  
It’s my candy.  
It’s my candy store,  
It’s my candy store!


	4. Fight for Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stan gets a crush on the school bad boy, Kenny McCormick

(The lights go off and the terrible three exit. When they come back up, they only illuminate Kenny McCormick and Stan)

Kenny; You shouldn’t have bowed down to the swatch dogs and diet-coke-heads. They’re going to crush that boy.

Stan: I’m sorry, what?

Kenny: Clearly, you’ve got a soul. You just gotta work harder on keeping it clean. ‘We are all born marked for evil.’

(He starts walking away)

Stan: Um, okay. Don’t just quote Baudelaire at me and then walk away, excuse me. (Kenny turns back to face him)  
I didn’t catch your name.

Kenny: I didn’t throw it.

(Tweek and Craig enter from the corner)

Craig: Who’s that guy in the parca think he is anyway, Bo Diddley? What a dick.

Tweek: Stan’s totally into his act, man!  
Wanna kick his ass?

Craig: Honey... Only if you ram mine, after.

Tweek: Deal, babe.

(Tweek and Craig walk up to Kenny)

Tweek: Hey, sweetheart! What did your boyfriend say when you told him you were moving to South Park?!

Craig: My boy, Tweek just asked you a question.

Tweek: Hey, Craig, doesn’t the cafeteria have a “no dumbasses allowed” rule?

Kenny: They seem to have an open-door policy for assholes, though.

Craig: ... Hold his arms, babe.

(The three boys start fighting and Kenny knocks Tweek and Craig both to the ground)

Students: Holy shit!  
Holy shit!  
Holy shit!  
Holy shit!  
Holy shit!  
Holy shit!  
Holy shit!  
Holy shit!  
Holy shit!

(Everyone freezes, excluding Stan)

Stan: Why when you see boys fight,  
Does it look so horrible, yet...  
Feel so right?  
I shouldn’t watch this crap,  
That’s not who I am.  
But with this kid,  
Damn!...  
Hey, Mr. No-Name-Kid,  
So, who might you be?  
And could you fight for me?  
And hey,  
Could you face the crowd?  
Could you be seen with me,  
And still act proud?

(Stan points and laughs at Tweek, who’s frozen on the ground)

Stan: Hey, could you hold my hand?  
(He walks over and holds the hand of the still-frozen Kenny)  
And could you carry me,  
Through no-man’s land?  
It’s fine if you don’t agree.  
But I would fight for you,  
If you would fight for me.  
Let them drive us underground,  
I don’t care how far.  
You can set my broken bones,  
And I know CPR.  
(Everyone unfreezes, but is still in slow-motion. Kenny punches Craig, who falls onto the ground)  
Well, woah,  
You can punch real good.  
You’ve lasted longer than,  
I thought you would.  
So, hey, Mr. No-Name-Kid,  
If some night you’re free,  
Wanna fight for me?

Students: Holy shit.

Stan: If you’re still alive.

Students: Holy shit.

Stan: I would fight for you,

Students: Holy shit, holy shit.

Stan: If you would fight for me!

Students: Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit!


	5. Freeze Your Brain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Terrible Three are douchebags, and Stan meets up with the mystery boy

(Later at Stan’s house, he, Cartman, Kyle, and Butters are playing croquet in the backyard)

Cartman: God, Stan, drool much? You were totally throwing your panties at that new kid. (Kyle and Butters let out forced laughs) And, judging by your house, you can’t afford replacement panties.

(Cartman glares at the others after a moment and they force themselves to laugh again)

Stan: Come on, I don’t even know his name.

(Cartman hits the croquet ball with her mallet and it rolls over to where Stan’s parents are sitting)

Butters: Mr. and Mrs. Marsh, watch out!

(Sharon picks up the ball and hands it to Cartman. She then holds out a tray)

Sharon: Oh! Haha, there you go, boys. Care for some pate?

Cartman: That is not pate, it’s liverwurst.

(Sharon laughs awkwardly)

Sharon: I’m aware of that, Eric. It’s a family joke.

Cartman: Oh… funny.

Randy: Damnit. Will somebody please tell me why I read this spy crap?

Stan: Oh, because you’re an idiot, Dad.

Sharon: ...Oh yeah, that's why? So boys, any big plans for tonight?

Stan: Yeah, there’s a big homecoming party at Craig Tucker's house so I'm gonna catch a ride with Cartman.

Cartman: Speaking of which.

(Cartman deliberately places the croquet ball into the 'pate'. The Terrible Three walk away)

Stan: Okay, uh… great pate, Mom, but I gotta motor if we want to be ready in time for this party.

(Sharon grabs Stan’s hand)

Sharon: Don't let these popular boys change you.

Stan: I need them.

Sharon: What for? You have other friends. You have Clyde.

Stan: Maybe I want more out of life than liverwurst, Mom. (He runs off)

Randy: ... Those boys seem really nice.

(The Terrible Three sing as they walk away)

Cartman/Kyle/Butters:Then step into my candy store!   
It’s my candy store,   
It’s my candy.   
It’s my candy store,   
It’s my candy.   
It’s my candy store,   
It’s my candy store!

(Later that night, Stan is entering a store. A car honks from outside)

Cartman: Stan! Don’t forget the corn nuts! It’s not a party without corn nuts!

Stan: BQ or plain?

Cartman: BQ, dumbass!!

(Stan begins grabbing things from the shelves. Kenny enters)

Kenny: Greetings and salutations. You want a Slurpee with that?

Stan: No, but if you’re nice, I’ll let you buy me a Big Gulp.

Kenny: That’s like going to Micky D’s and ordering a salad. Slurpee’s the signature dish of the house. Did you say cherry or lime?

Stan: I said Big Gulp. I’m Stan, by the way. Are you ever gonna tell me your name?

Kenny: I’ll end the suspense.  (He approaches him and shakes his hand)  Kenneth McCormick, Kenny, for short.

Stan: So, Kenny. That thing you pulled in the caf’ was pretty severe.

Kenny: Well, the extreme always seems to make an impression.

(There is a moment of silence until Stan laughs awkwardly)

Stan: So, what’s a Baudelaire-quoting, badass like you doing in South Park?

Kenny: My dad’s work. He owns a deconstruction company.

Stan: …Deconstruction?

Kenny: Well, the old man seems to enjoy tearing things down. You seen the commercial? “My name’s McCormick, if it’s in the way, I’ll make your day.” (Stan laughs) Then he pushes the plunger and the screen blows up.

(Stan laughs again, and then coughs awkwardly to try to cover it up)

Stan: …That’s your dad?

Kenny: In all his semipsychotic glory. Ya know, everyone’s life has got static.

(The car horn blares again)

Cartman: (Yelling) Stan!

Kenny: For example, I don’t really like my friends-  I don’t really like your friends either. Bag the party- hang here.

Stan: Oh, 7-Eleven. Swanky first date.

Kenny: Hey… I love this place.

Stan: No offense, but… why?

Kenny: ... I've been through ten high schools.   
They start to get blurry.   
No point planting roots,   
'Cause you're gone in a hurry.   
My dad keeps two suitcases packed in the den,   
So it's only a matter of when.  
I don't learn their names,  
Don't bother with faces  
All I can trust is this concrete oasis  
Seems every time I'm about to despair  
There's a 7-Eleven right there  
Each store is the same  
from Las Vegas to Boston  
Linoleum aisles that I love to get lost in  
I pray at my altar of slush-   
Yeah, I live for that sweet frozen rush...

(Kenny takes a sip of his Slurpee and grimaces)

Kenny: Freeze your brain.   
Suck on that straw,   
Get lost in the pain.   
Happiness comes,   
When everything numbs.   
Who needs cocaine?   
Freeze your brain.   
Freeze your brain...

(Kenny offers the Slurpee to Stan)

Kenny: Care for a hit?

Stan: Does your mommy know that you eat all that crap?

Kenny: Not anymore.   
When Mom was alive,   
We lived halfway normal.   
Now it's just me and my dad,   
We're less formal.   
I learned to cook pasta,   
I learned to pay rent-   
Learned the world doesn't owe you a cent.  
You're planning your future,   
Stan Marsh,   
You'll go to some college,   
And marry a lawyer.   
But the sky's gonna hurt when it falls.   
So you’d better start building some walls...   
Freeze your brain.   
Swim in the ice,   
Get lost in the pain.   
Shut your eyes tight,   
‘Till you vanish from sight,   
Let nothing remain.   
Freeze your brain,   
Shatter your skull,   
Fight pain with more pain.   
Forget who you are,   
Unburden your load,   
Forget in six weeks you'll be back on the road.   
When the voice in your head,   
Says you're better off dead,   
Don't open a vein!   
Just freeze your brain,   
Freeze your brain,   
Go on and freeze your brain...   
Try it.

(Stan takes a sip from Kenny’s Slurpee)

Stan: Yeah, I don’t really see- Oh, son of a bitch!

(Cartman enters)

Cartman: Stan! What the hell?!

Stan: Oh God, uh, I gotta go.

Kenny: So I see.

Cartman: Corn nuts?

Stan: Yeah, yeah, they’re right here. (He hands Cartman the corn nuts) Sorry, sorry.

Cartman: Wave bye-bye to the poor kid and let’s go!

Stan: Sorry.

(Cartman and Stan exit the store, followed by Kenny)


	6. Big Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tweek and Craig’s dads are out for the night, so they decide to have a party

(Craig’s house. Tweek, Craig, and their fathers are gathered in the living room)

Thomas: Okay, Craig, have fun tonight but I expect you to act your age. If the neighbors complain about the noise, Richard and I are going to march in here and knock the sand out of your vagina. Do you understand me?

Craig: Dude, what am I, like five?

Thomas: I'm your dad, not your dude.

Richard: That goes double for you, Tweek. You're a guest at Thomas’s house and you will treat it with respect. Much like the respectful taste of a fresh pot of Tweak Bros coffee mixed with a few spoons of caremel and just a bit of-

Tweek: Dad! Stop with coffee shit! Gah!

Richard: ... Hold his arms.

(Thomas holds Tweek’s arms, while Richard holds him in a headlock)

Tweek: I was just kidding, man!

Richard: Who’s a great big sissy? Who’s going to prom in a bright pink dress? You are.

Thomas: Who’s a great big sissy?

Tweek: I am a great big sissy!

(Richard and Thomas release Tweek, who falls on the ground)

Richard: Nice.

Thomas: Enjoy the party, son!

Richard: Punch it in!

(Thomas and Richard fist-bump. They scare Craig on their way out, who falls to the ground in fear)

Tweek: That sucked, man!

Craig: Who cares, babe? The parents are gone and I got my slippers on! And we got the whole night to ourselves to do whatever we want... (He smirks) You thinking what I’m thinking?

Tweek: I see where you’re going with this. (He begins to take off his jacket)

Craig: PARTY AT MY PLACE!

Tweek: Oh.

(Stan, Cartman, Kyle, Butters, and the other Students enter)

Craig: _Dad says “act our age”,_  
_ You heard the man, it’s time to rage! _

All: _Blast the bass, turn out the light,_  
_ Ain't nobody home tonight! _

Craig: _Drink, smoke, it's all cool._  
_ Let's get naked in my pool! _

All: _Punch the wall and start a fight!_  
_ Ain't nobody home tonight! _

Tweek: _His folks got a waterbed._  
_Come upstairs and rest your head!_

Craig: (Rubs Tweek’s shoulders) _Let's rub each other's backs,_ _ While watching porn on Cinemax! _

All: Whooooa! _The folks are gone,_  
_ It's time for big fun! Big fun!   
We're up till dawn,   
Having some big fun! Big fun!   
When Mom and Dad forget,   
To lock the liquor cabinet,   
It's big fun! Big fun!   
Big fun!   
Woo! _

Stan: Okay, okay, okay, so it’s salt, lime, then… shot!

Butters: No, salt, then shot-

Cartman: You're doing it wrong!

Stan: Wait, really? 'Cause I feel great.

Bebe: Stan, you are looking good tonight!

Stan: Whoa. _  
__ A hot girl smiled at me,   
_ _Without a trace of mockery!  
_

All: _Everyone's high as a kite  
_ _ Ain't nobody home tonight! _

Stan: Stoned. _Zoned. I should quit_...  Hey, is that weed? I want a hit!

All: _Fill that joint and roll it tight,_  
_ Ain't nobody home tonight! _

Stan: _Dreams are coming true,  
_ _When people laugh, but not at you!  
_ _I'm not alone! I'm not afraid!  
_ _I feel like Bono at Live Aid!_  


All: _The house is ours,_  
_ It's time for big fun!   
Big fun!   
Let's use their showers!   
That sounds like,   
Big fun! Big fun!   
_ _Crack open one more case!_  
  
(Stan walks past Tweek and Craig making out) 

Stan: I think that's what they call "third base”.

All: _Big fun!  
_ _ Big fun!   
_ _ Big fun! _

Stan: That actually looks like-

All: _Big fun!_  
_Big fun!_  
 _ Big fun! _

(Tweek holds up a pig piñata with a sign that says "Jefferson Razorbacks")

Tweek: Gah! Alright, everybody, listen up! What is South Park gonna do to the Razorbacks at Sunday's game?!

Craig: Gonna make 'em go “Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee!

All: _Big fun! Big fun!_

(Craig starts humping the piñata)

Kyle: Way to show maturity!

All: _Big fun! Big fun!_

(Craig grabs Kyle by the hips and does to him what he's been doing to the piñata)

Kyle: Quit it dick, get off of me!

All: _Big fun! Big fun!_

(Stan runs over to help Kyle)

Stan: Yo! Craig! Emergency! I just saw some freshman sneaking over the pool fence.

Craig: I hate freshman! Where are you little pricks? I'm coming for you! (He runs off to look for the imaginary freshmen)

Stan: Are you okay?

Kyle: I didn't need your help! (He flips Stan off)

Stan: Aw, thanks, Kyle, but I don’t really have to vomit right now. Get it? The finger?

(Stan laughs and Kyle gives the audience a look of exasperation)

All: _The party's hot, hot, hot.  
_ _ It's time for big fun! Big fun! _

Craig: You need a jello shot!

All: _We're having big fun! Big fun!_

(Clyde enters)

Cartman: Clyde Dumptruck, in the flesh.

Kyle: Here comes the Cootie Squad.   
We should-

Cartman: Shut up, Kahl!

Kyle: Shut up, fatass!

Butters: Look who's with him! Oh my God!

Cartman/Kyle/Butters: _Dang! Dang! Diggity-dang-a-dang!_  
_Dang-dang! Diggity-dang-a-dang!_

Stan: I can't believe you actually came.

Clyde: It's exciting, right? Oh, excuse me, I want to say hello to Craig. I brought sparkling cider!

Cartman: Showing up here took some guts. Time to rip them out!

(Kyle holds up the pig piñata)

Kyle: Well, who's this pig remind you of?  Especially the snout. Ha!

Cartman/Kyle/Butters: _Dang, dang, diggity-dang-a-dang!  
_ _ Dang, dang, diggity-dang-a-dang! _

(The Terrible Three exit with the piñata. Craig approaches Craig)

Craig: Where the hell are those freshman?!

Clyde: Hi, Craig. Uh, I wasn't gonna come, but since you took the time to write that sweet note...

(Craig grabs the sparking cider from Clyde)

Craig: What note? Why do you gotta be so weird all the time? People wouldn't hate you so much if you acted normal.(He chugs the cider, but spits it out almost immediately, all over Clyde) There's no alcohol in here! Are you trying to poison me?

Students: _Dang, dang, diggity-dang-a-dang!  
_ _ Dang, dang, diggity-dang-a-dang!   
_ _ Dang, dang, diggity-dang-a-dang!  _ _ Diggity-dang-a-dang!   
_ _ The folks are gone,   
_ _ It's time for big fun! Big fun!   
We're up till dawn,   
Having some big fun! Big fun!   
So let the speakers blow,   
_ _ They'll buy another stereo.   
_ _ Our folks got no clue,   
_ _ ‘Bout all the shit their children do.   
_ _ Why are they surprised,   
Whenever we're unsupervised?   
_ _ It's big fun! Big fun!   
_ Big fun! Big fun!   
_ Big fun!   
_ Big fun!

WOO!

Cartman: Okay, Cows, it’s time to celebrate our upcoming victory over the Razorbacks by whacking apart their mascot. We need a volunteer to take the first swing at the piñata. Clyde Donavan. I think you should do the honors.

Clyde: Oh. I don’t really know this game…

Kyle: Let’s show this boy some South Park spirit!

(Butters walks over to Clyde to start tying his blindfold)

Cartman: Clyde!

All: Clyde! Clyde! Clyde! Clyde! Clyde! Clyde! Clyde! Clyde! Clyde! Clyde! Clyde!

Cartman: Bring out the piñata!

(Kyle comes out carrying a pig piñata, dressed up to look like Clyde. All of the students start laughing. Stan is outraged and tries to grab it from Kyle)

Stan: Give it to me!

(After a brief session of tug-of-war, Stan manages to get the piñata away from the Kyle and Clyde, who’s still blindfolded)

Stan: What is your damage, Kyle? If you want this thing, just swim for it!

(Stan throws the piñata into the pool. He then walks back to Clyde, who has just taken his blindfold off)

Clyde: What’s going on?

Stan: Just go home, okay? I’ll explain it to you later.

Clyde: No, I was going to-

Stan: Listen to me. Listen, just go, okay? Go.

(Clyde looks from Stan to the Terrible Three before running off-stage)

Stan: Well, we gave it a shot, okay? I’m resigning my position from the hair gel Gestapo. I’m going back to civilian life.

(He turns the leave, but Cartman stops him)

Cartman: No.

Stan: Don’t spin me, I’m not feeling well.

Cartman: You don’t get to be a nobody! Come Monday, you’re an ex-somebody. Not even the losers will touch you now. Transfer to Quahog, transfer to Springfield. No one at South Park’s gonna let you play their reindeer games!

(Stan staggers from Cartman pushing her and throws up onto his shoes from nausea. Cartman screams in frustration)

Cartman: I raised you up from nothing! And what’s my thanks?! I get paid in puke!

Stan: Oh, lick it up, fatass. Lick. It. Up.

Cartman: I know who I’m eating lunch with on Monday… Do you?

(Everyone turns their back on Stan and he runs off-stage)

Cartman: Okay, party people! Where’s the goddamn keg?

(The students cheer and rush off-stage)


	7. Dead Boy Walking

Stan: The demon king of high school has decreed it.  
He says Monday, 8AM, I will be deleted.   
They'll hunt me down in study hall,   
Stuff and mount me on the wall.   
Thirty hours to live-   
How shall I spend them?   
I don't have to stay and die like cattle.   
I could change my name and ride up to Seattle.   
But I don't own a motorbike…

(He turns to see Kenny, who has just entered and is in his room)

Stan: Wait. Here's an option that I like-   
Spend these thirty hours gettin' freaky! Yeah!   
I need it hard,   
I'm a dead boy walkin'.   
I'm in your yard,   
I'm a dead boy walkin'.   
Before they punch my clock,   
I'm snappin' off your window lock.   
Got no time to knock,   
I'm a dead boy walking!

Kenny: Stan? What are you doing in my room?

Stan: Sh...   
Sorry, but I really had to wake you.   
See, I decided I must ride you ‘till I break you.   
‘Cause Cartman says I gots to go,   
You're my last meal on death row.   
Shut your mouth and lose them whities!   
Come on!   
Tonight I'm yours,   
I'm your dead boy walkin'.   
Get on all fours,

(Stan pushes Kenny down to his knees)

Stan: Kiss this dead boy walkin'.   
Let's go, you know the drill.   
I'm hot and pissed and need my fill.   
Bow down to the will of a dead boy walking!

(Stan kneels to become eye-level with Kenny)

Stan: And you know, you know, you know,   
It's 'cause you're beautiful.   
You say you're numb inside,   
But I can't agree.   
So the world's unfair,   
Keep it locked out there.   
In here it's beautiful.   
Let's make this beautiful!

Kenny-That works for m-

(Stan cuts Kenny off by kissing him. He pushes him to the floor and climbs onto him)

Stan: Yeah!   
Full steam ahead!   
Take this dead boy walkin'.

Kenny: How'd you find my address?

Stan: Let's break the bed.   
Rock this dead boy walkin'!

Kenny: I think you tore my mattress!

Stan: No sleep tonight for you,   
Better chug that Mountain Dew.

Kenny: Okay, okay.

Stan: Get your ass in gear.   
Make this whole town disappear!

Kenny: Okay, okay!

Stan: Slap me! Pull my hair!   
Touch me-

Kenny/Stan: -there and there and there!

Stan: And no more talkin'.

Kenny: Whoa-oh-oh-oh!

Stan: Love this dead boy walkin'!

Kenny/Stan: Love this dead boy walkin’!   
Love this dead boy!   
Yeah!   
Yeah!  
Yeah!

Kenny: Ow!

Kenny/Stan: Yeah!

(Blackout. When the lights come back up, Cartman is sitting beside Stan)

Cartman: Hello, slut.

Stan: Cartman? How did you get in here?

Cartman: I’m like oxygen. I’m everywhere.

(The students rise from the center of the stage)

Cartman: Really, Stan? Sleeping with psycho-trenchcoat-kid? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I will crucify you for this! Everyone at school’s gonna know good, little Stan is nothing but a dirty whore.

Stan: Dude, why are you so determined to hurt me?

Cartman: Because I can. It’ll be so awesome.

Students: Awesome.   
Awesome.   
Awesome.   
Awesome.   
Awesome.   
Awesome.   
Awesome.   
Awesome.

(The chorus is cut off by Stan’s scream and there is a blackout)

Kenny: Stan. Stan! Stan! God, you’re soaking wet.

Stan: Oh my God. Oh, my God, it was just a dream. (He hurries from Kenny’s side and starts getting dressed)

Kenny: What’s the rush?

Stan: I have to get to Cartman’s house.

Kenny: What? You told me you were done with Eric. (He starts getting dressed)

Stan: Yeah, and it was a sweet fantasy- a world without Cartman. A world where everyone is free. Now it’s morning. I have to go kiss his fat ass.

Kenny: No.

Stan: Yes… I’m not strong like you are.

Kenny: Let me come with.

Stan: Wait, really?

Kenny: Yeah… For backup.

Stan: Okay. Thanks. (He kisses Kenny)  
Oh… by the way… uh… you were my first.

(He gives Kenny an encouraging pat on the chest before walking away, Kenny following with a smirk. They kiss once more)


	8. The Me Inside of Me

Stan: Cartman? Cartman?!

Cartman: (Drowsily) …what?!

Stan: It’s Stan, I’m here to apologize.

Cartman: Hope you brought kneepads, dick! Fix me a Prairie Oyster and I’ll think about it.

(Stan And Kenny go in the kitchen)

Kenny: Prairie Oyster? What is in that?

Stan: (Pulls the ingredients out from the cabinet) Raw eggs, vinegar… Hot sauce, Worchester, salt, and pepper.

Kenny: You know your hangover cures.

Stan: My dad trained me well. Look, look, look, look, look. Here’s my revenge. I’m gonna put a flemglobber in his Prairie Oyster and he’ll never know. Ready?

(As Stan struggles to come up with enough spit, Kenny pulls a bottle of drain cleaner from beneath the cabinet)

Kenny: I’m more of a no-rust-buildup man myself.

Stan: Oh, okay. Don’t be a dick. That stuff would kill him

Kenny: Thus, ending his hangover!   
(He pours the drain cleaner into a glass and holds it up to the light) I say, we go with big blue.

Stan: You can’t just go- uh. Besides, the fatass would never drink something that looks like that.

Kenny: Right... We use a mug. That way, he’ll have no idea what he’s drinking. (Stan hesitates)  
Chicken. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.

Stan: No, you’re not funny.

Kenny: Okay.

(Kenny, realizing the joke has gone too far, sets down the mug on the counter)

Kenny: Okay. I’m sorry. (He kisses Stan)

Cartman: Prairie Oyster! Move your ass!

(Stan doesn’t break away from the kiss and grabs the wrong mug, walking to Cartman’s room)

Kenny: Stan, you-

Stan: What?

Kenny: …Nevermind!

Stan: Okay...

(Stan and Kenny approach Cartman)

Stan: Good morning, fatass.

Cartman: Aw, Stan and some poor kid. Well, let’s get to it. Beg.

Stan: Okay, um. I think that last night we both said a lot things that we-

Cartman: I’d actually prefer if you did this on your knees. In front of your boy toy here.

Stan: Um. I’m really sorry- (Cartman only laughs)

Cartman: Do I look like I’m kidding? Down. (Stan kneels begrudgingly)   
Nice. But you’re still dead to me.

(Cartman grabs the mug from Stan and drinks it. He starts hacking and gagging after a moment. Stan rushes over to keep him steady)

Cartman: Corn… nuts!

(Cartman staggers and collapses onto the ground)

Stan: Holy shit! (He looks into the mug and is horrified)  
Oh my God. Oh my God! Don’t just stand there, call 911!

Kenny: (He feels Cartman’s pulse) It’s a little late for that.

Stan: (He lifts up Cartman’s head) Cartman! Cartman. Cartman! Oh my God. Oh my God, I just killed my best friend!

Kenny: And your worst enemy.

Stan: Same difference! I mean- the police are gonna think that I did this on purpose. Oh my God, they’re gonna have to send my SAT scores to San Quentin.

Kenny: Unless… (He picks up a book off her nightstand! Oh, look, he was reading “The Bell Jar”.

Stan: (Seeing where this leads) Oh no.

Kenny: Oh, yes. You can fake his handwriting. Just make it sound deep. Like this:

I had pain in my path,   
Like Silvia Plath,

Stan: My problems were myriad-   
I was having my period.

(Stan laughs at his own joke for longer than necessary before realizing the dead body on the floor and screaming)

Stan: Oh my God!

Kenny: You think this is funny? You could go to jail! Get your head on straight.

Stan: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Cartman would never use the word myriad because he missed it on his vocab quiz last week.

Kenny: So, it’s a badge for his failures at school. Work with me.

Stan: Okay, okay. Um. Where do I start?

Kenny: Think. Long and hard. What would he say? What’s his final statement to a cold, uncaring planet?

(Stan grabs a pad of paper and starts writing)

Stan: Uh, Dear World, uh…   
“Believe it or not, I knew about fear,   
I knew the way loneliness stung.   
I hid behind smiles and crazy hot clothes;   
I learned to kiss girls with my tongue.”

Kenny: That's good.

Stan: “But oh, the world, it held me down…”   
Uh…   
“It weighed like a concrete prom king crown.”

(Cartman sits up and reads the suicide note aloud. Only Stan sees him)

Cartman: “No one thinks a cool guy has feelings.   
No one gets his insecurity.   
I am more than coolness and muscle.   
No one sees the me inside of me.”   
Jesus, you're making me sound like Air Supply!

Kenny: Keep going. This has to be good enough to fool the cops.

(Two policemen enter. One finds the note)

Cop 1: Whoa! Is it murder?

Cop 2: No, look. A suicide note.

Cops/Cartman/Stan: “They couldn't see past my rockstar mystique,   
They wouldn't dare look in my eyes.   
But just underneath was a terrified boy,   
Who clings to his pillow and cries.   
My looks were just like prison bars.   
They've left me a myriad of scars.”

Cartman: "Myriad". Nice.

(The cops hand the suicide note to OC Principal)

Cops/Cartman/Stan: “No one thinks a cool guy has substance. That's the curse of popularity."

(PC Principal reads the note aloud)

Principal Gowan: "I am more than just a guy who wants handjobs!"

Cops/Cartman/PC Principal/Stan: "No one sees the me inside of me."

(The Teacher’s Lounge)

PC Principal: Eric Cartman’s not your everyday suicide.

Mr. Garrison: You should cancel classes.

PC Principal: No way! I send the kids home before lunch and the switchboard will light up like a Christmas tree. We’re just gonna have to power through this one.

Strong Woman: Our children are dying. Look, I hate to pull out my counter-culture bonafides here, I really do. But what this school needs is a good old-fashioned rap session. Now, I suggest we get everybody into the cafeteria and just talk and feel together.

Mr. Mackey: Thank you, Ms. Woman. Call me when the shuttle lands.

(All of the teachers snicker)

PC Princiqp: SHUT UP AND LISTEN!

(They stop laughing)

Strong Woman: Anyway, we all misjudged Eric Cartman. This is the loveliest suicide note I have ever read.

Cartman/Strong Woman: "Box up my clothing for Goodwill,   
And give the poor my Nordic Track.   
Donate my car to crippled kids,   
Or to those ghetto moms on crack.   
Give them my hats and my CDs,   
My pumps, my flats, my three TVs!"

Cartman/Teachers: "No one thinks a cool guy has feelings-   
But I weep for all I failed to be.   
Maybe I can help the world by leaving.   
Maybe that’s the me inside of me."

PC Principal: Aw, what the hell? Long weekend for everybody!

(The teachers cheer, as do the students, who were listening in from the other side of the door)

Strong Woman: Alright, not so fast, kids! Here, take these and pass them around now. They're refueling buses, which gives us a solid half hour of healing. Now, I've mimeographed copies of the suicide note so you can feel Cartman’s anguish. (She hands out the copied letters)

Butters: I never knew about his pain!

Strong Woman: Go on!

Tweek: His life had hit a rocky patch!

Strong Woman: Feel!

Wendy: Deep down he wasn't cruel or vain-

Strong Woman: Heal!

Students: He didn't mean to be a snatch!

Strong Woman: Stan, you've been awfully quiet. What's on your mind?

Stan: Uh... Maybe Cartman realized that, uh, in order to be happy, he had to give up his power.  And the only way to do that was... death?

Strong Woman: My God.   
Look what we've done,  
We're breaking through!   
Cartman would be so proud of you!

Students: And you! And you! And you! And you!

All: No one thinks a cool guy can touch you...

Pip: Cartman touching me...

All: But he’s made us better than we were.  
Cartman’s dead, but he will live inside me,   
And I'll be the me inside of him...

Cartman: Holy crap! This is awesome!

All: Cartman cried, our sins fell on his shoulders!

Cartman: Jesus Christ!

All: Cartman died, so we could all be free!

Cartman: I'm bigger than John Lennon!

All: Cartman’s gone, but he will live forever!

BeBe: He’s the dove that sings outside my window!

Token: He’s the twin from whom I'm separated!

Nicole: He’s the horse I never got for Christmas!

All: Cartman sees the me inside of me!   
Cartman is the me inside of me!   
Inside of...Me!

(Kenny’s house: Kenny and Stan are sitting on the couch watching TV. Kyle is on the TV with an “ABC” microphone)

Kyle: At a time like this, negative people choose to focus on their grief. Well, I hate those people, because I am a very positive person. I remember the good times, like when Cartman and I got our ears pierced at the mall-

(Kenny changes the channel and now Kyle is holding a “NBC” microphone)

Kyle: I can still hear those late night talks on the phone-

(Kenny changes the channel again and Kyle is holding a different microphone and speaking in Vietnamese)

Stan: Alright! Turn it off, turn it off. Man, how many networks does he run to?

(Mr. McCormick enters)

Kenny: Why, Son. I didn’t hear you come in.

Stuart: Yeah, Pop. I wanted to introduce you to my new boyfriend.

Stan: Oh! Hi, I’m Stan.

(Stuart hands him a can of beer)

Stuart: Drink up, Cutie. It’s a little… early.

Kenny: Hey, Champ. You know we don’t condone underage drinking in this household.

Stuart: Oh… So you’re a good boy.

Stan: Oh. Uh…

Kenny: Stan was just leaving.

Stuart: : Come on, relax. Just having some fun, huh? Sit, sit.

(Stan sits and Stuart comes over to sit beside him)

Kenny: So, work was a real pain in the ass today.

Stuart: Some damn tribe of withered old assholes is trying to stop my poor old dad from blowing up this fleabag motel, all because Glenn Miller once took a dump there.

Kenny: Just like Kansas. You remember Kansas?

Stuart: Yep. The save the memorial oak society. My pop showed those tree humpers. Thirty bricks of C4 explosives stuck to the trunk. He was-

Kenny: Arraigned but acquitted.

(Stuart laughs while Kenny is unamused)

Kenny: Damn Kansas…

Stuart: Hell of a time, hell of a time. So, Pop, can I invite my boyfriend over for supper?

Kenny: I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Son.

Stuart: Aw, Pop. Don’t be a square.

Stan: Oh, I, um, I appreciate the offer, I really do, but I can’t stay, actually, ‘cause my mom is making my favorite meal tonight. It’s spaghetti. Lots of oregano.

Kenny: Nice. Last time I saw my mom, she was waving to me outside a window of a library in Texas, right, Dad?

Stuart: Right, Son.

Stan: Okay. Well, see ya tomorrow.

(Stan walks away. They lights go down, except for a spotlight on him)

Stan: Dear Diary, Kenny’s dad will not be speaking at our wedding.

(The phone rings. Stan answers it and Butters enters the stage on the other side of the phone)

Stan: Hello?

Butter: Stan? I need help, I’m at the cemetery.

Stan: What’s wrong?

Butters: Just hurry up, please! It’s an emergency!

Stan: Okay!


	9. Blue/Reprise

(The lights come back up to show Butters in a car and Stan running up to him. Stan knocks on the window of the car and Butters rolls it down)

Stan: Hey.

Butters: Hi.

(Stan points to Tweek, who is passed out on the ground)

Stan: Uh, is Tweek okay?

Butters: Oh, he passed out. Me, Tweek, Craig and, Kyle came out to put some KFC and Thunderbird on Cartman’s grave. You know, from his friends. But Tweek and Craig drank it all. Then Kyle and Craig went off together, and Tweek got all jealous that he went with Kyle and kept grabbing me.

Stan: Oh… Wait, after everything that happened at Craig’s party, why did you call me?

Butters: Oh, well, that was the deal. If I got you to come, Tweek promised to leave me alone.

Stan: So… so, you avoided date-rape by volunteering me… for date-rape.

Butters: God, you make it sound ugly.

Stan: I’m leaving now.

(As Stan walks away, Tweek approaches him)

Tweek: Hey, Stan… I waited ten whole beers for you… I- I gotta tell ya, man... That shit is so much better than coffee, I-I have never felt so relaxed...

(Tweek promptly collapses. Kyle enters with Craig holding on to his ankles and being dragged by him)

Kyle: Goddamnit, Craig! I said I’m done!

Craig: Come on, Kyle, don’t walk away!

Kyle: Sober up, dick! Butters, unlock the door.

(Kyle gets into the passenger seat of the car and shuts the door behind him)

Craig: You can’t leave me like this! Ugh… You’re causing physical pain in my “area”. It’s science, I need relief!

(Tweek smacks him and points to Stan. Craig turns to him, only just now noticing that he was there)

Craig: Hey, Stan…

(Craig throws Tweek a knowing look. Both advance on Stan)

Stan: Ew. You’ve got a left hand, use it.

Tweek: Don’t talk mean like that!

Craig: You’ll hurt their feelings!

Stan: Wait, whose feelings? What are you talking about?

Craig: You make my balls so blue.

Tweek: You hurt them badly.

Craig: You make my balls so blue.

Tweek: They’re hangin’ sadly.

Craig: What did they do to you,  
That you hate them so?

Tweek: Don’t run from me!   
They’re all beat up-

Craig/Tweek: Like a tackling dummy!

Tweek: They long for your embrace!

Craig: They're warm like mittens!

Tweek: They'll curl up on your face!

Craig: And purr like kittens!

Tweek: You make my balls so blue!

Craig/Tweek: Just look at them glow...

Tweek: We're beggin' you!

Tweek/Craig: Don't make my balls so blue!

Stan: Kyle...? Butters...? Open the door.

Kyle/Butters: Oh no, oh no, no, no!

Stan: What? Open the door!

Kyle/Butters: Oh no, oh no, no, no!

Tweek: You make my balls so blue,  
So please say hello!

Craig: Hold 'em!

Tweek: Enfold 'em!

Craig/Tweek: And never let go!

Tweek: Once you were geeky and nerdy.

Craig: But they knew you're dirty.

Tweek: You've set them on fire.

Craig/Tweek: Whatever you require, they'll do!   
So take 'em home to meet your parents!   
They'll wear a suit and tie!

Tweek/Kyle/Butters: And a fancy collar!

Craig: They'll sing a lullaby...

Craig/Tweek: La la la la la!

Craig/Tweek/Kyle/Butters: Please make these balls not blue!

Tweek: Just for a while!

Craig: Can't wait till later!

Craig/Tweek: My pants are rubbin',  
Like a hot cheese grater!

(Stan grabs the bottle of Thunderbird that Tweek was holding earlier, and offers it to Craig)

Stan: Look! Booze. Drink.

Craig: Aw, thank you so much!

Stan: You're are so welcome.

(Craig and Tweek take turns chugging from the bottle)

Craig: They will protect you!

Tweek: Defend you!

Craig: Respect you!

Tweek: Befriend you!

Craig: Like Winnie-the-Pooh!

Kyle/Butters: Winnie-the-Pooh!

Tweek: Baby, baby, baby, they're so blue!

Craig: My balls will work for you!

Tweek/Kyle/Butters: They will obey ya!

Craig: They really need rescue-

Tweek/Kyle/Butters: Like Princess Leia!

Tweek/Craig: Baby, you gots to come through!

Tweek: Teach them to smiiiiiiile!

Craig/Kyle/Butters: You got no clue,   
How much these two,   
Depend on you!

Craig/Tweek/Butters/Kyle: Please help them through!   
My balls are in your court!

(Stan, seeing the jocks are distracted, seizes the opportunity to quietly sneak away)

Craig/Tweek: Yeah! You make my balls so blue!

Kyle/Butters: You make them balls so blue!

Craig/Tweek: You make my balls so blue!

Kyle/Butters: You make them balls so blue!

Tweek: Whoo!

Craig: Ow!

Kyle/Butters: You make them balls so blue!

Craig/Tweek: You make my balls so blue!

Kyle/Butters: You make my balls so blue!   
You shake them!   
You quake them!

Craig/Tweek: Good God!

Kyle/Butters: You break—

Craig/Tweek: My balls!   
You make my balls so blue!

Kyle/Butters: You make my balls so blue!   
You take them

Craig/Tweek: Lookit! Lookit!   
Lookit! Lookit!

Kyle/Butters: You bake them   
Chrissake—

Craig/Tweek/Kyle/Butters: You make my balls so blue!   
Please make their dreams come true   
And make these balls not blue!

(Tweek and Craig collapse from drunkenness and the lights go down. A spotlight comes up, illuminating only Stan)

Dear Diary: Close call last night. Uh, the only person at South Park who could actually control Tweek and Craig was Eric Cartman. And he’s dead.

(Cartman enters (only visible/audible to Stan))

Cartman: Should’ve thought of that before you killed me.

(He starts gagging)

Cartman: God. I’m going to be coughing up drain cleaner for eternity!

Stan: I didn’t technically kill Cartman, and I know that, but I still feel bad. But… not as bad as I should? And that makes me feel even worse.

(Stan approaches Kyle and Butters)

Stan: Oh, hey, guys. Still really looking forward to that apology from both of you for being two ice-cold bitches last night.

Kyle: Um, cleaning out Cartman’s locker. Little respect?  
  
Cartman: Ugh. Kyle Broflovski was such a sad little poser. Stan, tell him to stop touching my stuff. …Stan. Stan!!

Stan: Shut up!

Kyle: You shut up! I don’t have to shut up anymore!

(He holds a red beanie in the air, before putting it on his head)

Butters: Hey, that’s Cartman’s!

Kyle: Shut up, Butters!

Butters: Sorry, Kyle.

Kyle: Cartman is gone… It’s up to me to replace him.

Stan: Replace Eric Cartman?

Kyle: Please. You need to worry less about me, and more about your reputation. Tweek and Craig have been telling the whole school about your little threeway last night.

Kenny: Three-way?

Stan: ... But, there was no three-way, nothing happened!

Kyle: I remember differently. I seem to remember there was a-!

(Tweek and Craig enter the scene)

Tweek/Craig: Big swordfight in his mouth!

Wendy: And he allowed it?!

Tweel/Craig: Big swordfight in his mouth!

Kyle/Butters: It sure sounds crowded!

Tweek: And then we both went south!

Craig: And planted our flags!

Tweek: My big salami!

Tweek/Craig: Ba-bent him over like origami!

Students: Whoa-oh-oh!   
Whoa-oh-oh!   
Whoa-oh-oh!   
Whoa-oh-oh!

Tweek/Craig: Everybody was!

Students: Sword fighting   
In his mouth!   
Yes, we're convinced it   
Went down right in his mouth!

Butters: I hope he rinsed it!

Tweek: He blew and blew and blew!

Students: Like they were balloons!

Tweek: He lapped us up!

Craig: Like a hearty stew!

Tweek/Craig: He bit off more than he could chew!

Kyle: He’ll do the same for you!

(Stan runs over to where Kenny is standing at the lockers. He opens his arms and Stan buries his face in his chest)

Students: He blew, not one guy, but two.   
He blew and blew and blew.   
Stan blew two.   
If his mother only knew,

Kyle: That Stan had just blown two!

Students: He's like some freak in a zoo.   
And every word is true,   
Stan blew two!

(Kenny approaches Tweek and Craig with intent to fight them, but they team up with Token Black and Jason White and knock him to the ground. Stan runs to him and tries to fight them off in vain)

Students: Freak! Slut! Psycho! Slut! Punkass! Slut! Freak! Slut! Psycho! Slut! Punkass! Whore…


End file.
